Grief, she holds you captive
In a well as dark as night.
And that ladder of composure you built all day
Crumbles in a certain slant of light.
And it’s leaving you reduced
While you try to catch your breath.
And every tear we cry for our lost loves
Is really for ourselves.
- Bill Mallonee
Let me pass on a word of advice – free of charge. When you’re dealing with someone who’s had a tragedy in the family (and make no mistake about it - for us, a miscarriage is a dead child - period), don’t ask, “How are you doing?” Just don’t ask. Unless you truly desire to become an active participant in the grieving process, keep your trap shut. All that question does is force us to think about it. We spend all day building up that "ladder of composure," and then, when you ask, we have to answer that question.
Also free of charge, here’s a peek into my head: when you ask me how I’m doing, I take one of two approached to what I say next. The first is the truth – I honestly tell you how we’re doing. This is, by far, the lesser used of the two. Mostly, I go with the second option. I simply say, "Oh, we’re doing ok," or, "we’re getting by," or some other nonsense – whatever will get you away from me the fastest. So, just don’t ask and save us both time. Ask me about the Orioles, or how I liked Star Wars. It’ll make for a much better conversation, I promise.
by the way, this was not directed at any of the three or so of my readers… it’s just a general rant
In a well as dark as night.
And that ladder of composure you built all day
Crumbles in a certain slant of light.
And it’s leaving you reduced
While you try to catch your breath.
And every tear we cry for our lost loves
Is really for ourselves.
- Bill Mallonee
Let me pass on a word of advice – free of charge. When you’re dealing with someone who’s had a tragedy in the family (and make no mistake about it - for us, a miscarriage is a dead child - period), don’t ask, “How are you doing?” Just don’t ask. Unless you truly desire to become an active participant in the grieving process, keep your trap shut. All that question does is force us to think about it. We spend all day building up that "ladder of composure," and then, when you ask, we have to answer that question.
Also free of charge, here’s a peek into my head: when you ask me how I’m doing, I take one of two approached to what I say next. The first is the truth – I honestly tell you how we’re doing. This is, by far, the lesser used of the two. Mostly, I go with the second option. I simply say, "Oh, we’re doing ok," or, "we’re getting by," or some other nonsense – whatever will get you away from me the fastest. So, just don’t ask and save us both time. Ask me about the Orioles, or how I liked Star Wars. It’ll make for a much better conversation, I promise.
by the way, this was not directed at any of the three or so of my readers… it’s just a general rant
1 Comments:
Here's my rant:
We don't know how to grieve in this culture. It's a lost art. The number one thing people don't seem to get is that it takes time. It's been 3 weeks today and some people want me to be fixed by now. They want me to say "good" when they ask; and when I try to be honest, they offer some platitude. Life, and death for that matter, is way more complex than a one sentence theology. (i.e. God has another plan, God is in control, not God's timing, yada yada yada)
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